by the way when I say gay.... no offense to any peoples that might be gay. I got no beef with any of you. Hell, I'm for gay marriage, gay adoption, gay driver's licenses. You all deserve to be equally as unhappy as everyone else on the planet.
I'm so lonely. Sure, there's little Squirrley, but he's not much fun to talk to. It's hard to hold a conversation with an dog, let alone one who continuously has his head buried in his own ass. Perhaps I'll meet some cool new people at Macon State. More than likely though, since I'm weird and picky about who I associate myself with, I'll write them all off and say, "fuck it, I don't need anyone."
But the fact of the matter is that I do. The life of isolation that I lead, while welcomed at first, over time tends to really suck. I wouldn't say that I have any "friends" in the traditional sense of the word. I have acquaintances. People that I'm familiar with and will stop and talk to on the off chance that our eyes meet while out and about. No one that I see on a regular basis or anything, which I must admit, sucks.
Indeed it does suck, but what really sucks is the reasoning behind all this. For some reason or another, when I was slightly younger, while having friends and being somewhat "popular" (whatever the hell that word means), I could never ever bring myself to ask someone if they would like to do something with me. I think I know why.
I can't picture anyone wanting to spend time with me. I joke a lot about how I'm "the balls" and how sexy or good I look, when in all actuality I have extremely low self esteem. Which is why I think I don't date more. I look at myself in the mirror and go "Oh, well no one wants to fuck that, don't even kid yourself. You're disgusting. Your head is huge. You have teeny tiny man boobs... you're a fucking joke... a fat, nasty, sick joke that no one will ever want to be with"... and if you hear or tell yourself something for long enough, naturally you'll start to believe it. And you know... I work out now, I've never really been "fat" to begin with, I try and eat healthier and I've lost some weight and in the last few months I've started to tone out (I actually have pecs now... AND I can flex them and shit) but it just doesn't seem like it's enough to me. And the compliments keep coming too. And not the lame kind you get from like family members and shit... I mean the kind you get from the hot girl working the register at the grocery store, or the kind you get from your little sister's jail bait friends, but for some reason they never seem to resonate. Which is unfortunate becuase none of them mean anything unless you yourself belive them.
I got issues. Something tells me I'll spend many a dollars on many a hours of therapy when I get older trying to sort all this out. Sometimes I wonder if my whole life is going to be like this. I hope not, because this isn't fun for me by any means. Part of me wants to blame it all on this place. I think that if I can get out of here and go somewhere else, somewhere far away.... not like California either... I mean like some European country or some island in the South Pacific, that maybe shit will be better... but that's just the old "grass is always greener..." type of thinking I believe. Eh, who knows?
Ahhhh, self esteem.... ain't it a bitch?
posted by Jerr @ 10:22 PM
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